Tag: love

*The names in quotation marks have been changed to keep identities private

AN OUTSIDERS STORY

My testimony has been revised slightly from its original form since writing it in 2025, and I may continue to do so as I grow deeper in my faith. I do my best to back up my points with scripture, but please understand that it should not substitute studying the Bible, attending church, or seeking advice from the proper resources. My journey also includes mental health struggles, so while I wholly empathize with anyone going through the same, I would encourage seeking the advice of a licensed therapist, or at the very least, speaking openly with someone that you love and trust for advice. By no means has my life been any more difficult or remarkable than anyone else’s, but I do hope that my story can inspire someone else. I feel that I am in a unique position to share my testimony; never in my lifetime did I think that I would be speaking as passionately about Jesus Christ as I am today. My story is fairly long, but I feel that it provides some necessary insight into how I came to this point. If you’d like to fast forward some, please feel free to jump to the section below called “Finally Finding My Faith”.

–

My road to faith took a completely untraditional path compared to most; perhaps looking back, maybe even ordained by God. I feel so strongly in my soul that I was put here for a purpose much bigger than most ever dare to dream. I want to shine a light on the world so bright that nobody ever has to live in darkness. I wish that I chose to appreciate life for the gift that it is instead of wallowing in sorrow and self-pity sooner. Even though hard times have fallen, overall, I’ve been blessed. For what reason then did it feel like I’ve had the weight of the world on my shoulders? Sometimes I feel like I carry the weight of an entire army behind me and if I faulter, it’s at the detriment of not only myself but others as well. I’m alive and well but have always felt like a lost soul. It feels at times as though I have connections to both the spiritual and physical realms and that maybe I’m meant to gather and heal these souls. God has gifted me with an empathetic heart and a sound mind to discern things which aren’t always clear to most people, which I am forever grateful. The spiritual side of my life would show up in glimpses, as visions and insights all throughout my life. The dots just never connected until recently.

With the exception of being baptized as a baby, I never went to church or participated in any type of faith group growing up. However, in my case this was probably a good thing because it allowed me to explore in my own time and in my own way. My first encounter with Jesus was around the age of 14; This was a point in my life where I had already started drinking and doing drugs, my parents were on the verge of divorce, I was bullied often and I would cry myself to sleep every night. One night while I was lying in bed, I saw an apparition of Jesus and He touched my arm. I could feel a sense of warmth radiate through my body. I had no idea whether what I was seeing was my mind playing tricks on me or not, but it also affected me physically, so how could it not be real? Looking back, it is comforting to know that I had God’s protection even if it didn’t always feel like it. Still yet, I did not fully come into any sort of faith until later down the road.

When I was in college I was introduced to Hinduism. I never completely immersed myself in the religion but I felt a strong connection to Ganesh, the Elephant-headed deity known as the “remover of obstacles” (I’ve always felt a strong spiritual connection to animals, especially elephants so maybe this was why I was drawn to him) as well as goddess Lakshmi (the two are often revered closely together). Eventually, I would delve into Buddhism, which I loved because it was more of a philosophy of right-living without many of the religious dogmas. Maybe by fate, I studied at a Catholic college; this was important because it gave me a good well-rounded view of the world. Thankfully they were not very strict in their practices either so I felt a sense of acceptance and I would also begin to learn who Jesus was.

Jesus is without a doubt special because He was the only spiritual figure to bring God’s will full circle and ascend to Heaven. He was the only human being ever to be completely free of sin and cared deeply about people, yet His name is blasphemed time and time again; usually out of ignorance or because people wish to corrupt His name for power and control. So often He is not who we think He is until we have our own personal relationship with Him. His message was simple: Live humbly and with compassion; “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). I believe that it is so important that we have an open mind and tolerance for others who have different beliefs than us. If we are closed off to other philosophies, religions and ideologies, we may not always get the full picture, and ignorance is often what causes us to have ill will towards others.

–

We are so often told to befriend “the good Christians” or the outwardly righteous. I can say that in my life, many times the opposite were the ones who truly lifted me up in hard times. I was bullied often and by all types of people, but one instance that really stung deep was by people who were supposed to be God-fearing. There were two sisters who lived next-door to me and we hung out often; but if I had to go out on a limb and guess, it was most likely because their parents made them. I always knew that they were higher on the social hierarchy than me. They were part of the popular group, which I was not; I was an outcast and a loner. They would cut me down with insults. When their lunch table needed room, I was of course the one that was kicked out. The older sister once tricked me into going out to the woods behind our house and pretended to be hurt. I had to carry her all the way back up to her house and once we got there, she wasn’t actually hurt, and she attacked me; she pushed me to the ground and started slapping and punching me. Yet I didn’t fight back. Another time, she and her sister locked me in a cage under my house; I yelled at them to come back and let me out; they didn’t at first but eventually they came back. Now here is the part that I regret on my own behalf: I hit the younger sister out of anger – I should have just done as Jesus said and turned the other cheek, but I didn’t know any better. Yet another time, they broke something valuable of my mom’s when my back was turned and instead of admitting their wrong, they ran out of the house and left me to be punished. However, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise. When I was in my room, I poured myself into drawing for the first time. I always had posters all over my bedroom walls (especially of musicians), so I grabbed some paper and I drew a portrait of Tupac. It was a terrible first attempt but at least it gave me some sort of comfort. The last straw that I had with those friends was when I thought that we had finally made some sort of peace and closure at school one day, so I went over to knock on their door afterschool to see if they wanted to hang out and they just laughed in my face and shut the door. That also metaphorically “shut the door” on trying to maintain any sort of relationship with them. I still held on to a lot of anger from all of that though, which I wish I had just let go. I held onto the hurt and gossiped about them and it backfired on me. We were probably never really friends in the first place; I wish I recognized that sooner and just kept my distance to everyone’s benefit.

As for other instances of bullying in my life, for some reason being called a mute was probably the thing that pierced me at my core the most; probably because they didn’t realize that I was trapped in my own head with no way out. I was an ugly duckling and I was kicked around for that as well. Most of my bullies I eventually turned things around with and we became friendly later on in life, so I believe earlier experiences helped teach me to better understand people at a deeper level. Most of them were probably experiencing trauma and hurt too and it manifested itself in a way that even they didn’t fully understand themselves. Seeing school shootings (and mass shootings/violence in general) breaks my heart into a million pieces because I can feel the pain from all sides. Those who are killed and the pain that their families have to experience; but I can also empathize with the shooters because I know exactly what they are going through. All too often, all they want is to feel acceptance from their peers and they are stuck on the outside with seemingly no chance of coming in; or they may be dealing with mental illness or circumstances beyond their control. It is so important that we as humanity as a whole learn to recognize the pain in others and show even the smallest type of kind gesture, because you never know what someone else is going through. People often talk about going back in time to kill baby Hitler, but when does anybody ever talk about going back and healing him before he became the tyrant that he was? You can’t kill anything and not expect any sort of counter reaction (think in terms of “cause-and-effect” or “karmic reaction” in eastern philosophies). “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing so you will heap burning coals on his head” (Romans 12:20-21).

Eventually I found some friends that I connected with, but we all carried around hurt and the biggest problem was that we started drinking and doing drugs at a very young age- around 13, which, without question, caused further damage to my mental health in the long run. Some people might wonder how someone that young could even get their hands on alcohol and drugs to begin with; and in our and many other young people’s cases, it was probably harder to stay away from it than anything. Parents, boyfriends and siblings would always supply us. My first taste of alcohol was at 8 years old because my dad would hide alcohol in soda cans and I unknowingly took a sip. Drinking became the love of my life and it was the only time that I didn’t feel anxiety (especially social anxiety) so it gave me false hope. I had countless blackouts and alcohol poisoning. Smoking weed on the other hand made me extremely paranoid, almost to the point of questioning if I was having schizophrenic episodes. I mostly smoked to go along with the crowd, but I did enjoy the feeling when I was by myself painting and/or listening to music. Fortunately, I never got too deep into doing harder drugs except for a few instances.

Suicide ideation began during a time of depression when I was around 14, but it soon manifested itself as intrusive thoughts. There is a family history of OCD, so this was likely the reason. There was a three-story balcony in my high-school and I would purposely try to stay away from it because all I could picture was jumping over the edge and it scared me. I had these same thoughts follow me through life; whether by taking a quick gunshot to the head or just doing anything that would relieve the pain that I was feeling inside. Honestly, all I really wanted to do was take a bottle of pills and fall into a deep peaceful sleep. My mom brought me to a therapist when she found my journal and what I had been writing about. I know that she did what was right, but I didn’t feel like I could connect with the therapist either. This is why it’s so important that there are counselors and therapists that we can relate to. Consider the fact that Jesus is the ultimate counselor; He can relate to us after walking the earth as a human being and facing the worst of what the Devil could dish out and still came out the victor! His story is an inspiration. Often people would judge me by appearances; I was a quiet kid who by all impressions followed the rules and seemed well-adjusted, but they had no idea what was going on inside of my head; so, in this case, my therapist never went deep enough to really understand what was truly going on. I just kept on pushing through the pain. Every once in a while, a bright spot in life would appear and give me enough hope to strive for some sort of happiness. Sometimes a little ego boost is good for a person as long as we don’t let it get out of control.

–

As I reflect back to when I was young, I had a good relationship with family. My parents and I lived above my grandparent’s apartment so I would spend lots of time with them which helped to shape me. I was an only-child but I had cousins who would come over often to visit. I was especially close with my cousin “Ryan” since we were only three months apart in age. My mom and I were extremely close when I was young and we bonded over the smallest of things. Eventually though, things would begin to drift apart. Years of trauma, substance abuse and secrecy would begin to take their toll. I realize now how my grandparents were the glue that held everyone together, because once we moved away from them, it felt like I bounced between being invisible and being a punching bag. I no longer had anyone one to relate to. My mom would criticize me for the smallest of things and she was extremely cold and distant (this was in stark contrast to the relationship that we had when I was a child). I know it wasn’t on purpose; the hurt that she carried around was most likely projected onto me; not to mention my wrongdoings affected her deeply. My dad was rarely around, especially after my parents’ divorce. When he was around, he was usually withdrawn and often in a catatonic state, which I know was caused by his addictions and it was probably his way of dealing with what he went through during his own childhood, because I know deep down that is not the person that he truly is. I usually just felt like I was screaming on the inside for someone to hear me but I physically couldn’t get the words out or even know how to properly cope. Much of my life I’ve felt as if I’ve been trapped inside of a glass box, disconnecting me from the world. My stepdad was one of the first people that I could actually relate to, and I completely disrespected him out of my own hurt and anger and he didn’t deserve that. He was the only person to give me a sounding board and he was someone that I could relate to, especially out of our mutual love for music.

Music and art were the only positive outlets that I had in my life up to this point. The way I saw it, the artists that I listened to were my only true friends even if I didn’t actually know them. I would walk around with headphones on almost 24/7 because it comforted me and I didn’t feel so lonely. I would draw portraits of my favorite musicians and hang them up all over my bedroom walls. I was just a little girl and I would rock my Korn, Alice in Chains and Pantera tees at school, even as far back as the 5^th grade. At one point, one of my favorite bands was Eyehategod; it’s ironic to look back now and know that Jesus would be the one who would eventually save me. People would probably look at me and never expect me to listen to the music that I do, but it resonates so deeply into my soul that it’s unexplainable. It’s like it was put there to sooth me because God knew that I needed it to complete my mission and to gain an understanding of the human condition. Also, because I was alone so much, I would watch a lot of tv; In the same vein that music did for me, it taught me a lot about people. I couldn’t actually talk to them, but I could learn their patterns and life lessons. Morality and fairy tales also taught me subconsciously from a young age as well.

During my college years, I embraced my loner personality. I should have probably just done that from the beginning and saved myself from a lot of hurt. Keeping to myself allowed me to focus more on my studies and creativity. I had some amazing teachers and classes that were so pivotal in guiding me in the right direction. One of my favorite classes was Leadership; it truly gave me a sense of purpose. My group and I worked really well together and they assigned me the leader, which was great because I realized I could use a quiet confidence to lead. I no longer needed to worry about being shy. I could do the behind the scenes work and assign jobs to each member that suited their strengths and weaknesses. Catholic Social Teaching was another favorite of mine and was truly one of the most important classes I would ever take in my life. The key tenets of mercy, forgiveness, charity and compassion helped shaped my life and began to teach me who Jesus was and what God wants for us.

At this time, I also chose to live with my dad. We didn’t have much and lived in a tiny apartment. I didn’t mind it, because it came with a lot of freedom, which I was craving and I wasn’t tied to material possessions. This built a strong foundation and was where I found my purpose in life whether I realized it or not. I used to have to take a couple of bus rides to get to and from school. After the first ride I would wait downtown at city hall, which was the hub for all of the buses. This was what I considered “my church” at this point in my life. I spent time with people from every type of background. I took the things I learned in my Catholic Social Teaching class and put what I could into action. I didn’t have much money myself but anytime someone would ask, I would at least give them some spare change or if they needed someone to talk to, I would listen. There was a woman who would walk around reading the Bible to people. Most wouldn’t give her the time of day, but when she came over to me, I took my headphones out and she was moved by the sign of respect and thanked me. I learned a lot about people who I might not have otherwise had the chance to interact with. Even though I never developed any deep long-lasting relationships it felt good just to open up in small ways which I was never able to do before. Volunteering at a soup kitchen was also heart-warming, because it meant a lot when people would show their appreciation for even just a small act of kindness. Similarly, working many customer service jobs taught me a lot about people and I became really comfortable during social interactions for the first time. One night however, I was robbed at gunpoint; I could sense he was scared too (his hands were shaking like a leaf and I think he even dropped his gun at one point). I feel like we were probably on similar paths, maybe, but who knows. I always wondered if he was forced or pressured by “friends” to do it, just like I felt at times.

–

I searched for love in all the wrong places. I yearned for a loving partner but ended up giving myself away to guys during alcohol or drug fueled episodes. I would never claim rape, because in the end I put myself in those situations but many times I would wake up during the middle of a blackout and have no recollection. Maybe it was God’s way of protecting me in a strange way. In my journal recently, I asked why I had so many blackout episodes; I didn’t get an answer right away but when I did it was powerfully simple: Because my other half was missing. The first time that I handed over my heart to someone it wound up being shattered into a million pieces. It was short lived and it was a long-distance relationship but I felt deeply. I became close with his family, especially his mom and daughter; the thing was, he still had attachments to his ex and when he found out she was pregnant with her new boyfriend he stormed out in anger and left me alone on my birthday, of all days. To add insult to injury, my flight back home was out of New Orleans, so we stayed in a hotel for the night. We got drunk and I, as usual, had a blackout. The first half of the night was fine, but by the morning I woke up on the floor and I have no idea what happened. He was furious and he drove me to the airport and told me to get out of the car and go. He wouldn’t answer any of my phone calls, I missed my plane and I was stuck in a place that I was completely unfamiliar with and had to figure out a way to get home on my own. I never flew on a plane before this trip, so I had no idea what I was doing. Thankfully I had just enough money to get back and I also had my headphones packed so having music at least gave me some strength to keep going.

After that trip, I became close with my cousin “Alice”. This was our chance to get to know each other since we didn’t get to spend as much time together when we were young. However, once again drugs, drinking and getting caught up with the wrong crowd plunged me into one of the darkest and most confusing times of my life. Alice and I mirrored each other; we were each other’s opposites and trauma bonds connected us. We deeply hurt each other, but little did we know at the time that we were also the key to each other’s inner healing. I gained a ton of weight because I was eating my feelings on top of my other addictions and I felt so disgusted with myself. I had zero self-worth.

Now, here is just one of the dangers of dabbling into occult practices even if it seems harmless; one night while we were hanging out with friends, we decided to draw tarot cards. My “outcome card” was the Devil card and of course this put me in an even more fearful place than I was before. Thankfully the girl doing the reading said “it’s only your destiny if you choose it” and that always stuck with me. However, my mind, body and soul were so fogged up that I was still fearful that it meant that somehow, I was going to wind up in Hell, if I wasn’t there already. I was so trapped as it was, that I figured there could never be a way out. I spent years dragging myself through this mindset. I know now that the opposite was true; my destiny wasn’t to become the Devil but to defeat him. The advice on the card even says, “you have the power to break free, you must just be willing”. The card is a symbol of addiction, depression, and mental illness among other things which were a common thread throughout my life. It is so important to remember that destructive and dark forces bind themselves to sin and attachments; this is why we must release these things from our life. If we ask Jesus for help, He will happily lead the way and make the path clear for us; “I am the way, the truth, the life” (John 14:6). We are deceived into thinking that the Devil holds any power over us to begin with. Yes, dark forces exist but they can’t live if we don’t feed them.

Going back for a moment, Alice mirrored in me what I was becoming. My ego was growing; I was getting a big head and I was making others feel bad about themselves. It was probably because my heart was hardening and my mind was slowly becoming entangled and rooted in evil. I hated just about everyone and everything, especially myself. I was losing my grip on the things that once gave me joy. At some point, I ran out of tears, and depression just turned into constant anxiety. For what it’s worth, we can’t truly change until we take a good look in the mirror and see for ourselves what needs to be changed and where we have gone wrong. I hope that I was able to do the same for Alice what she did for me (harsh as it was), by being able to teach her some of the lessons that I learned throughout my life. Eventually I cut out alcohol and drugs completely; ironically enough, right after my 21^st birthday, when I was actually of legal drinking age. This was the best decision of my life; although it was a hard going at first, my body, mind, heart and spirit slowly lifted out of the fog. I believe that part of my mission in life was to break the curse of addiction within my family, and who knows, maybe on an even larger scale than that.

–

One day at the bus stop, I met a guy named Ron; I wish I could remember our whole conversation but unfortunately, I only remember bits and pieces of it now. He needed directions and we actually ended up heading in the same direction. We talked for a long time; he was in no way trying to impress or take advantage of me, but he recognized the pain and sadness in me and everything he said was so inspiring; we truly need more people like that in the world. He had no reason to even give me the time of day. The one thing that I will always remember him saying was along the lines of “look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself every day that you’re beautiful”. I didn’t exactly take his advice but I soon met my (now) husband who does that for me. He tells me every day that I’m beautiful and tells me that he loves me a million times over. I met him shortly after getting sober. The stars aligned and God brought us together after all of the trials and tribulations. He had many of his own battles and I know that we were made to complete and complement each other. Meeting him was the biggest turning point in my life and he began to help fill all of the voids in my heart. He was a safe space in my life and finally I was not so alone, wading through the darkness. I am grateful, however for all of the hard times, because it made me appreciate our love that much more. It’s an amazing feeling to have a significant other who is also your best friend; a true friend and a partner. I have never felt so comfortable around anybody and he makes me laugh until my stomach hurts which was a feeling that I hadn’t often had since I was a child.

“Jacob” and I met at the gym which was another safe space of mine. We even got the opportunity to work there with each other which allowed us to spend lots of time together. Working out always provided a grounding element to my life and gave me so much confidence as well as a much needed “natural high”. The gym that we went to reminded me of my days downtown when I would get a chance to meet people from all walks of life. At the time, it felt like somewhat of a stagnant point in my life but I now realize that it was not. It was more of a “guy’s” gym; it focused on lifting and was not your run-of-the-mill fitness studio. Alot of the guys were surprised when I would lift just like one of them, but it gave me a chance to prove myself. Sometimes they doubted or questioned me, but in turn, I earned their respect by just being myself and relating to them. This gym was also great because we could play (mostly) whatever music we wanted. Before we started dating, Jake would ask what music I liked and he would play it over the speakers for me. It showed how much he cared before we were even a couple, because he wasn’t yet aware of how deep my love for music went.

One of the most significant parts of our relationship was that he also guided me to Jesus. His mom brought the family to church regularly, so it was great that I now had someone who was familiar with the history of Christianity; I always lacked that traditional element. I believe my mother-in-law was a collector of lost souls, so to speak. She was an amazing example of someone who sacrificed her own needs for others; she took in many foster and adoptive children and guided them home to Jesus. I was one of those people too, although maybe in a slightly different way than everyone else. Her death was a tragedy, but thankfully God sent me a sign that she is okay and I know that she is now home with Him.

Still, I never fully embraced the faith, but it would trickle in little by little. Once, after going to Mass, I was introduced to the priest; We shook hands and I sincerely believe that I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit. I felt the biggest wave of peace rush through my body, almost like the feeling of a euphoric high. Eventually, I was able to become a godparent when our niece and nephew were baptized; and Jake and I were able to get married in the church even though I was not confirmed, so I must have been doing something right. It was not until this year that I wholly and truly found Jesus which I will go into more detail about shortly.

One of the more difficult patches that Jake and I came up against was when he joined the military. This was an extremely hard time for me because I had finally found my true love and it felt like he was abandoning me for a cause that I didn’t agree with in the first place. Thank God that he never had a deployment during his active duty; rather most of our time spent apart was during his Basic Training and Tech School. It was not all bad however, for a few reasons: We would write each other letters all of the time. It was the highlight of my week when I would check the mailbox and there would be letters waiting for me! He told me that he would have to sneak off at night in secret sometimes to write them which showed the lengths that he was willing to go to keep in contact with me. Once, he even called and had a pizza delivered to the house to my surprise! I, along with his family, flew down to Texas for his graduation which was such a fun trip; we even got engaged at the Alamo. I like to think of it as we brought some sort of unity and closure back to a place that was once divided by peace and war. I will always “Remember the Alamo”. I am so thankful that he never had to go into any sort of combat, but it breaks my heart when I think about the people who have lost loved ones to war. There is never a winner; when men go to war, the people who truly suffer are the families, wives and children. How long until we refuse to keep repeating the same cycle. Our “enemies” only hate us because they believe that we wish to harm them. Everyone is afraid! We are stuck in the bondage of fear: Fear of death, fear of losing our “property” and “prosperity”, fear of time and so on. Sure, maybe when a tyrant grows too large, he needs to be taken down for the greater good, but we should never allow it to come to that point in the first place. We can and need to do better if we wish to see a better future.

FINALLY FINDING MY FAITH

It was not until right before Easter of 2025 that I fully came into my faith. It came after another period of depression and I found myself questioning everything; I was letting my emotions run my life. I was feeling completely stuck in my art career; it felt like I was running around in circles and getting nowhere. All I ever wanted to do was to be an artist, but the last few years had me so stagnant that it had me questioning if I even wanted to do it anymore. On top of that, Jake was considering a career change, to become an airline pilot. Yet again, I felt that overwhelming feeling of abandonment. I didn’t want him to do it but he was still going to move forward. I hated the idea of it being a full-time career and him being away for long periods of time, all year long. Through the experiences in my life, I became comfortable and accustomed to being alone, but I also realized that being isolated causes my thoughts to spiral deeper and deeper. I spent a lot of time crying in silence, because I didn’t know what else to do. Eventually I just outright asked Jesus for help. It felt almost as if by a miracle, that he quickly went to work for me; I felt truly seen and heard for the first time in my life. It felt as though I went through a “baptism of tears”, but this time it was out of pure joy rather than sadness. Jake went to flight school for a short period of time but it didn’t pan out to becoming a commercial pilot and I finally had the realization that I’m never truly alone. Being able to turn to God in prayer has been a lifeline and having fellowship with other believers is also very encouraging and comforting. I know that there are many other people out there who are going through struggles of their own; by sharing what I’ve been through instead of keeping it locked inside, I hope that it can be even a small source of inspiration or comfort for someone else, to help them know that they are not alone either.

Not long after I initially prayed for Jesus’ help, the most amazing thing happened: one morning I awoke from a vison where there was a sort of “portal” in the wall; as a wedding present, my grandmother gifted Jake and I with a handwritten and framed Bible verse (Song of Solomon 2:10-13) and I found myself “walking” through it. After that, somehow, I just knew that I needed to start journaling and writing letters to everyone. A voice inside told me that I needed to complete the circle to ascend – as I understood it, that meant that I needed to include everyone, without excuses; “Reconcile quickly with your adversary, while you are still on the way to court. Otherwise, he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny” (Matthew 5:25).

First, I had to begin by writing a forgiveness letter to myself; I had to heal and let go of all of the past trauma and mistakes that I had made that were continuing to stain my soul. I repented and asked God for forgiveness and I reached out to people that I’ve hurt in the past; I wrote to family members by both acknowledging my appreciation for them and also asking for their forgiveness for hurt that I caused them and forgiving them for hurt that they caused me. The best feeling was being able to inspire them with words that I know mean something to them personally. Writing has helped to open up new realms and possibilities and awakened a greater spiritual purpose for me. It is the great equalizer; everyone should share their story. We just need to make sure that we do our best to turn to God rather than away (this can also pertain to consuming movies, music and tv shows which are rife with immorality and sin; many people do not understand the damage that this inflicts upon their unconscious mind). Stories don’t always have to be words; we can also pour ourselves into music and art, among other things.

As I’ve grown deeper in my faith, I’ve realized that this process of sanctification through repentance, forgiveness and producing good fruit is so essential – I am very grateful that God put these things on my heart before I fully understood what it meant to be a Christian. Putting my faith journey into writing has created such a positive impact on my life and more importantly, I hope that sharing my story helps to guide others to Jesus and can create an enthusiasm to learn about who He was and what He did for us. He died so that we could truly live and be reconciled with and justified before God. His life and death demonstrate just how much He was willing to endure, to share in our sins and suffering. His teachings have withstood the test of time and are just as relevant to us now as they were 2000 years ago.

Despite completing all of my letters, I still felt that some sacrifices needed to be made; Even if we are on the right path, sometimes a little “house cleaning” might be in order. “If your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell” (Matthew 5:30). I decided to do a sort of lent period of 40 days (if not indefinitely), where I would give up the things that I felt God would want me to remove from my life. Having given up temptations such as alcohol and drugs in the past, I knew that it would be difficult, but I also knew that I had an enormous amount of support. I put away all other religious artifacts; not that I had many, but I had some small tokens of Ganesh, Lakshmi and Buddha. I also needed to give up astrology and reading signs, especially as it pertained to trying to see into the future – it is like playing with fire when we seek the spiritual realm or knowledge apart from God; if He chooses to open our eyes to certain truths, then that His choice and His only. Although we are encouraged to “Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit” (1 Corinthians 14:1), they should always be first measured against what has been revealed to us through scripture – “For Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14). “Test all things; hold fast what is good” (1 Thessalonians 5:21), “For it is the Spirit of prophecy who bears testimony to Jesus” (Revelation 19:10), “[Do not] consult mediums and spiritists […] should not a people inquire of their God? Why consult the dead, on behalf of the living. Consult God’s instruction and the testimony of warning. If anyone does not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn” (Isaiah 8:19-20), “Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world […]” (1 John 4:1-3).

In other words, spiritual gifts should: align with God’s character and written word; ultimately testify to and exalt Jesus and exhibit fruits of the spirit – “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22). Gifts of the Spirit should also be used to call others to repentance, or to comfort and to build up the body of believers and hopefully to others outside of our circle as well. Although God may send us signs (often in the form of answered prayer, comfort or guidance) or, He may bless us with gifts that can be personal to us, we should above-all consider that we are using them generously, rather than for self-gratification. Glory must be given to God only; “For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.” (2 Corinthians 10:18). Also, there are many deceptive spirits in the world, as well as false teachings and ideologies, so we need to be on guard by staying grounded in scripture and prayer so not to be led astray.

Additionally, I gave up A LOT of the music that I held dear to me over many years; I felt that some of it was getting in the way of my growth because it triggered some lingering feelings of sadness. Some other seemingly small things such as cutting down on my coffee consumption and sugar intake turned out to be a great idea because my anxiety has subsided significantly. Anxiety is the worst feeling in my opinion because it causes you to question every step out of fear and it always makes you feel like you have a pit deep in your stomach. “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27). Anxiety also caused me to workout excessively because I thought that it would calm the beast inside. What I realized was that I was literally and figuratively running away from my problems instead of tackling them head on. Lastly, I’ve also curbed my habit of gossiping; “The mouth speaks what the heart is full of” (Matthew 12:34). I think I would do it out of frustration when I see people not acting in alignment with what they should be doing, but I also know that Jesus tells us to “Forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). It is not my job to judge and if anything, I should speak to them face to face if I have an issue.

Much to my surprise, I received what I believe was a message from God telling me that the things from my past made me who I am today; “In our quest for spiritual cleansing, we are quick to throw baby (Jesus) out with the bathwater”. Moving forward, it is important to use sensible discernment to decide what is right or wrong for me. Reading and studying scripture, as well as guidance from trusted authority figures and mentors is a big piece of that puzzle. There are a couple of points that I feel are important to mention: This shouldn’t merely turn into a self-improvement project, or to be done out of selfish ambition that we may gain something in the end. “Self-help” can and does run the risk of becoming self-centered and self-serving. Not to mention, when we inevitably make a mistake, it can be far too easy to self-sabotage, not realizing that we have an advocate in Jesus; “But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1), “He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because He always lives to intercede for them” (Hebrews 7:25). Although I feel very strongly that inner healing and growth are vitally important, the ultimate goal is union with Christ; “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me” (John 15:4). “As we abide in Him, His life shapes our motives, choices, and attitudes” (Colossians 2:6–7). We are all but parts of the body of Christ and it is important to be a healthy and functioning member – what we do affects the entire body. Our transformation should be used to bear witness to others the change that God has made in our lives. It can also be a means to better love and serve others; when we realize how much mercy God has shown us, it becomes much easier to extend that same mercy to others.

It is also important to remember this: Outward religious proclamation without a sincere heart-level change often proves worthless. Not only do we see many examples of this throughout both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible, it still happens frequently in our modern world as well. “The LORD does not see as man does; for man sees the outward appearance, but the LORD sees the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Isaiah 29:13 warns: “Therefore the Lord said: ‘These people draw near to Me with their mouths and honor Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me. Their worship of Me is but rules taught by men.’” In this example, the people of Judah practiced superficial rituals, prayers and sacrifices yet neglected genuine devotion to God and failed to display true moral character which pleases God. “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).

Again, we find centuries later that Jesus himself rebuked the religious leaders of His time for their hypocrisy: “[You] have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others […] you clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside [you] are full of greed and self-indulgence […] first clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean […] you are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness” (Matthew 23:23-28). Furthermore, their spiritual blindness and hardness of heart caused them to miss the very mark that they claimed to be aiming for; they failed to recognize that God incarnate stood before their very eyes and they sought to put him to death.

God isn’t necessarily looking for saints. He’s looking for the sinners who can be redeemed into saints. He wants to bring together the lost souls of the world and heal them. It is usually the people who have gone through the most hurt and pain that appreciate the gift of life when they can turn things around; “It is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick” (Luke 5:31) and Jesus Himself “came to seek and save the lost” (Luke 19:10) – “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent” (Luke 15:4-7).

I spent most of my life allowing other people to shape my idea of who Jesus was rather than learning for myself; I was afraid of becoming a blind follower, yet, in turn I was blindly following the (often uninformed) opinions of other people. I would encourage anyone who is reading this to be open and humble to learning because you may find that what you thought you knew could be just the opposite. By gaining a new perspective, I can see now how He was working in the background of my life even when I didn’t understand it. Often, it is easy to blame God when the things in our life are difficult or don’t go as expected. In fact, hardships should be expected; we are never promised a smooth or easy path; but, we can either choose to walk that path with, or without Him – “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are” (Hebrews 4:15) – “We glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3-4), “Not a hair of your head will perish. By your patient endurance, you will gain your souls” (Luke 21:18-19), “In all this you greatly rejoice, […] you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:6-7), “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those that love Him” (James 1:12).

If I can help even one person find their way home then I have done my job.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:27-28)

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:9-13)